Facebook Faux Pas

I mean this: Every day I hate myself a little more than the day before.

I'm not just being self-depricating. I'm being cereal.

I know what you're thinking. How can you hate a shining gem of perfection like yourself?

My friends, facebook is what is making my hate myself. I wonder why I continue to be a faithful and registered user. I held off joining for so long and then as a summer experiment/job responsibility/result of pure boredom, I signed up. Within minutes I had been invited to be friends by 10 people I barely knew.

I keep it real. I don't list my 900 favorite movies, 3,000 pretend-favorite bands, or 15 sappy love quotes. I've only got the basics on there. And I never update my stuff. I've had a total of two pictures (three if you include the original of my dog back in June).

Truthfully, I justify my membership as something of a subscription to a research tool. I mean, if Random Person X has a new girlfriend, I'm going to need to look her up on facebook. If I have an appointment with someone for work, I screen them using the facebook. If Chelsea's purse gets stolen at a bar, the first place I look to find the arrested culprit is the facebook.

But just in the few months I've been a member, I've begun to hate it even more. Every time I log on someone I've known since I was seven wants to confirm we went to elementary school together or I've been invited to six bogus events I don't want to go to or the advertisement tells me that I need to informally rush every sorority on campus.

But, the absolute worst is when I have to untag every disgusting photo of me on the planet. Inevitably, my friends post pictures of me picking my noise or yawning or something else equally as disgusting. I don't want a number (81) next to my name so everyone in the country can stalk me like I stalk them. I want one photo. Low profile. That's what I'm shooting for.

If I'm ever in the middle of a national scandal or am praised nationally, I do not want the Today Show to look me up on the facebook and use the information found there as talking points. I saw this happen to a college kid who robbed a bank. When I rob a bank, I just want them to know my academic major and hometown high school, not my screenname, political views and fake spouse.