Ain't Nothing Weirder than a Gemstone in Your Ear

I have Bronchitis. It's not cool. It's not glamorous. I can think of something super-glamorous. Fake, purple gemstone/diamonds from cheap costume jewelry. You know what's even more glamorous? When your doctor finds one lodged in your ear canal.

So today I go to the health center and the doctor has a first year med student with him. The med student was completely adorable and I had a crush on him right away, which made me really excited that I hadn't washed or brushed my hair, was wearing the ugliest sweatpants I have and really hadn't done that great of job brushing my teeth that morning.

My doctor asked if the cute med student could look in my ears and in my throat because he's learning. I said sure and wished I had a tic tac. So after the doctor takes the first glance he's convinced I have Bronchitis. He prescribes me some stuff and asks me if I have been having pain in my ears. Sure, they're popping. I'm congested. It's cold season.

The doctor says "I'm interested to see what you (referring to cute med student) think about the ears." I'm thinking, awesome I've got wax buildup and it's red in there from the popping and the med student is going to see all of this magnified.

"Oh yes, I see what you're referring to," says cute med student. "Hm, I'm not really sure what that is. I do see something strange though."

At this point, I'm like -- move it along. Let's go. Cute med student may be cute, but he doesn't know what's going on and this twisted game show of guess what's wrong with Natalie's ear is not cool.

"Are you aware that you have something lodged in your ear canal?" asks Doc.

"Wait, what?"

"I'm not really sure what it is. I'm surprised you can't feel it," says the doctor.

"Yes, hm, I noticed something but I was not sure what it could be," comments cute med student.

3...2...1...PANIC ATTACK

"I am going to freak out if you don't tell me faster what you are talking about. I'm going to freak out. Just tell me what it is, no more doctor student guessing. Let's go." (Please note I am leaving out a particular four letter word I used three times in this sentence and beyond).

"I believe you have a purple gemstone lodged in your ear canal," says the doctor.

"Yes, I believe that is the case," says cute med student, master agreer of the universe.

"No I don't. Get it out, how do we get it out? How can it be in there? It needs to come out. I'm going to panic if you don't start just taking it out. Just take it out and stop talking about it. Please don't talk about it or use it as a learning tool just get it out. Do I need to be put under anesthesia? I'm going to scream if you don't get it out right now," yells Ms. Cool, Calm and Collected.

"Don't worry it looks much bigger through the magnifying lens than it probably is," says the doctor.

"I do not care. I'm not trying to freak out. I do not normally freak out at the doctor's office. I'm not a spaz. I'm not. Can you just get it out with tweezers or what? Just get it out immediately. I don't mean to yell, but you need to get it out or I'm going to cry."

"At least it's not a bug. My cousins get bugs in their ears sometimes," cute med student offered.

"That's...not comforting."

Tweezers were not involved. They had to flush water through a small tube into my ear so it felt like I was swimming 20,000 leagues under the sea.

We had to move into another room and the doctor made fun of me to the nurse for my "panic attack." Cute med student went gangbusters with the pump because it was obviously thrilling for him and I walked out with my sweatshirt soaking wet. When the "gemstone" came out I was even more pissed off than before. I've never seen this thing in my life. It's not part of an earring or a necklace that I have. It has no relation to my life whatsoever.

It was humiliating. Who knows how long it's been in there? My theory is it is a planted tracking device. The FBI is on my trail...again.